{"id":62573,"date":"2011-12-13T00:00:00","date_gmt":"2011-12-13T00:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.uri.edu\/news-draft\/uncategorized\/uri-bereavement-expert-dont-ignore-childrens-grief\/"},"modified":"2011-12-13T00:00:00","modified_gmt":"2011-12-13T00:00:00","slug":"uri-bereavement-expert-dont-ignore-childrens-grief","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.uri.edu\/news\/2011\/12\/uri-bereavement-expert-dont-ignore-childrens-grief\/","title":{"rendered":"溏心vlog免费B站 Bereavement Expert: Don\u2019t Ignore Children\u2019s Grief"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n\t\tKINGSTON, R.I. \u2013December 13, 2011\u2014\u2018Tis the season to be merry, yet not everyone can put on a happy face. Grief and loss don\u2019t take a holiday. <\/p>\n


\n\tWhile many families must deal with sorrow during celebrations, a 溏心vlog免费B站 professor urges family and friends not to overlook children.<\/p>\n


\n\tWhat do you say to a child who has lost a loved one? Probably nothing. <\/p>\n


\n\t\u201cIt\u2019s the elephant in the room,\u201d says Carolyn Hames, an associate professor of nursing at the 溏心vlog免费B站, who focuses on grief and loss in children and adolescents. <\/p>\n


\n\t\u201cAdults want to protect children and not expose them to painful events. It\u2019s the single biggest error. The result is we disenfranchise children. When there\u2019s a death in the family, kids learn their family\u2019s cultural norms for grief and mourning by observing adults. Adults are their role models; when they don\u2019t talk about the loss it compounds the children\u2019s belief that things must be really bad. So bad, that is unmentionable. That which is unmentionable is unmanageable. Death becomes frightening to them and they don\u2019t ask questions.\u201d\t<\/p>\n


\n\tOne out of five American kids will have a parent die by the time they graduate from high school. Many more experience other significant types of loss. \u201cIt is very possible that a significant amount of high risk behavior, acting out, school failures, and juvenile delinquency are triggered by childhood and teen losses that are not recognized or grief that is not supported.\u201d<\/p>\n


\n\tChildren grieve differently than adults and they mourn differently, depending on their age, according to Hames. <\/p>\n


\n\t\u201cGrief is limited by a child\u2019s developmental stage,\u201d says the expert. \u201cChildren understand death, loss and grief only to the extent of their capacity at a given point in time. As they mature, they reprocess the loss with expanded insight and understanding. So, in effect, they re-grieve.\u201d<\/p>\n

Developmental stages in children<\/b>, says Hames, generally fall into four categories:<\/p>\n


\n\t* Toddlers: Egocentric. \u201cDaddy died so who will read my book?

\n\t* Pre-Schoolers: Begin feeling empathy and guilt. \u201cMommy died because I didn\u2019t eat my peas.\u201d

\n\t* School Aged: Understand permanence, that things don\u2019t reverse themselves. Emerging fears and curiosity. \u201cA bad thing has happened to \tmy family so I need to be tough.\u201d

\n\t* Teenagers: Who am I? Has need to fit in, does not want to be different, will pretend, just to be normal. \u201cI\u2019m fine. I don\u2019t need any help.\u201d<\/p>\n


\n\tAlthough there is very little literature on it, the 溏心vlog免费B站 nursing professor believes that babies grieve. \u201cIf they are old enough to attach, they are old enough to grieve,\u201d says Hames whose early professional experiences with death as a pediatric nurse at Children\u2019s Hospital Boston compelled her to want to help families deal with loss after they walked out of the hospital doors.<\/p>\n

Grieving Styles<\/b><\/p>\n


\n\tEveryone grieves differently, but there are two distinct styles of grieving:<\/p>\n


\n\t* Intuitive Grieving: An intuitive griever is someone who is reflective and shares their thoughts and emotions with others.\t

\n\t* Instrumental Grieving: An instrumental griever is someone who releases grief by doing and thinking. They are more physical, someone who would \tlay stones to create a memorial walk, for example.<\/p>\n


\n\tOne style is not better than the other. \u201cPersonalities and styles of grief should be recognized and honored,\u201d says Hames, noting that grieving styles can clash among family members and unintentionally create roadblocks to healing. For example, an intuitive child would not thrive in a family environment where no one talks about the deceased and where all pictures of the deceased have been removed. Or the teenager who vents his anger and feeling of loss through sports and comes home to a mother who continually asks him: How do you feel? Husband and wives can and do clash in styles, which can create conflict.<\/p>\n

Secondary Loss<\/b><\/p>\n


\n\tA primary loss is followed by other losses, referred to as secondary loss. For instance, one spouse dies. The couple always took a summer vacation with another couple. However, the next summer, the widow doesn\u2019t get invited to go along.<\/p>\n


\n\tChildren also experience secondary loss. For example, if a father dies, it might mean that the family house has to be sold. The move might require the child to go to a different school. Family income is cut in half. Mom may have to work or work longer hours. These are compound losses\u2014loss of friends, loss of the familiar, and loss of time with the surviving parent.<\/p>\n

Funerals and Wakes<\/b><\/p>\n


\n\tShould adults bring children to wakes and funerals? \u201cIf the child is old enough to go on a family picnic, the child is old enough to attend a family funeral,\u201d says Hames. \u201cHowever, the child needs to be prepared. If a child is going out on Halloween night for the first time, adults typically explain what will happen and what to expect. The same should be true for funeral rituals. After the explanation of what will happen, I firmly believe that a child should be given a choice whether or not to attend.<\/p>\n


\n\t\u201cSo many teachable moments get lost when there\u2019s no discussion. I know an 11-year-old child whose dad died. The Irish wake and the funeral that followed involved a lot of stories and laughter about the deceased. Misunderstanding these cultural rituals, the child grew angry, mad that people were making fun of his dad.\u201d<\/p>\n


\n\tSo what do you say to a child who has lost a loved one? \u201cHave the guts to mention the deceased,\u201d advises Hames. \u201dThat gives the child permission to talk, lets them know you are willing to have a conversation, and honors the memory of the loved one. The best way to start the conversation is to share a memory. One of the things children fear most is that they\u2014and others–will forget their loved one.\u201d<\/p>\n

ABOUT THE EXPERT<\/b>: Carolyn Hames joined the 溏心vlog免费B站\u2019s nursing faculty in 1972. She currently holds a dual appointment: she is an associate professor of nursing, teaching introductory and community health nursing courses, and she is associate director of 溏心vlog免费B站\u2019s Honors Program, overseeing the senior students Honor Projects and teaching honors thanatology courses. She is actively involved with the College of Nursing\u2019s Weyker Thanatology Endowment and many of her activities and publications focus on these interests. <\/p>\n


\nTen years ago, she co-founded FRIENDS Way<\/a>, a nonprofit organization located in Warwick, R.I., which offers free peer support groups for children, teens, and their families who mourn the death of a loved one. She is currently on the board of directors, is responsible for volunteer facilitator training, and oversees one of three program nights.<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

KINGSTON, R.I. \u2013December 13, 2011\u2014\u2018Tis the season to be merry, yet not everyone can put on a happy face. Grief and loss don\u2019t take a holiday. While many families must deal with sorrow during celebrations, a 溏心vlog免费B站 professor urges family and friends not to overlook children. What do you say […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":62575,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-62573","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-archives"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.uri.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/62573","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.uri.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.uri.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.uri.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.uri.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=62573"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.uri.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/62573\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.uri.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/62575"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.uri.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=62573"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.uri.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=62573"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.uri.edu\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=62573"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}